Yesterday was surreal! After 11 months of trying for a baby, Kary and I got that amazing second pink line we've been dreaming of (literally!)! I was getting really used to that disheartening 4 week cycle of period, ovulation, waiting, and disappointment. It was getting to the point where I was feeling like a zombie just drifting through life waiting for our next chapter to start. I surprisingly didn't cry about it too much. I instead felt numb. It started to seem like everywhere I went someone was pregnant...even people who didn't plan it. That was very discouraging and made me start to feel bitter and then guilty for feeling that way. It was not uncommon for me to see a pregnant lady at target and mumble to Kary under my breath, "Stupid pregnant bitch." It started to be a joke but I knew we were both hurting.
We've tried it all over the past 11 months: preseed, quit caffeine, read "Taking Charge of your Fertility", fertilaid vitamins, made wishes, even had people pray for us. People would tell me they had a dream about me being pregnant and I would get some hope but quickly was disappointed when that "sign" didn't end up meaning anything.
Last week I sort of had a breakthrough. It all started Tuesday night when Kary came home with an adorable pair of infant monster shoes. (we are set on a monster theme) This was the first baby item that had been bought for us in probably 6 months. In the beginning Kary's mom and brother Sean bought us all kinds of stuff but after one failed attempt after another we just sort of stopped talking about it and buying baby stuff for any of us was just too painful. But the shoes brought me a weird feeling of hope. Especially since Sean bought them randomly and said he "just had a feeling." Unfortunately Brixton our 2-year old boxer really liked the shoes too much and chewed them up the next day. That was when it all hit me. As I looked at that tiny little shoe sole lying on the living room floor bent and chewed it all hit me. The utter sadness I've been holding inside for almost a year of yearning for a baby so badly all came flooding in at once and I had a good, long, hard cry. I felt so much better and of course Sean replaced the shoes within the hour of me crying. (He rocks!)
We had been using the fertilaid vitamins for 7 days before I ovulated and are not sure if that may be what finally did it. At this point we don't care what exactly caused this miracle to finally happen for us, we're just so thrilled to start the journey!
The double pink line jumped into our lives suddenly yesterday at 3:40pm. I had just gotten home from a very productive teacher workday and had not started my period and as cliche as this sounds, I had a "feeling." The first test I used that Lynn gave me was digital and it showed a ?. My response was, "No shit!" Then I, without hesitation, jumped into my car, ran to the store and got myself a new test. By this time Kary had called me on his way home from work. We chatted for a while and he asked me how I was feeling. I kind of blew him off as to not give him any false hope. While he was mid-sentence I felt some pee coming on and decided to pee on that damn stick. Within 10 seconds I saw that second pink line darkening (have only seen 1 for so long!) All I remember is me screaming to Kary and him screaming back! Kary said everything on his way home was a cartoon and he was pretty sure he ran over Roger Rabbit. Getting back to reality, we were full of tears, laughter, and scared-shitlessness. So, let the journey begin! Bring it on! We're gonna kick pregnancy and parenthood asses!
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